Awaited impatiently all year round, the Christmas and the New Year’s Eve remain the most loved holiday, also marked by many tensions in the family. Women’s wish to adorn the house as beautiful as possible, to cook many dishes and cakes and to prepare special gifts for all the family members, meets the lack of time. Frustrated that, despite the exhausting efforts they made, things never happen according to the initial plan, women try to discharge their dissatisfaction on the partner, who gives in to the psychological pressure and abandons the “battle field”.
BH: What are the psychological mechanisms that start the conflicts in the family, during the winter holidays, when people try to seem better and more cheerful?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: In Romanians’ culture the holidays are loaded with efforts, egos and tensions. Romanians want to do everything themselves, want everything to turn perfectly, put passion in these holidays. Most often the time is not enough and the others want a certain detail to be different. Moreover the frustration of the past year, can be big enough that the wish to make a change, easily turns into a reproach made to the closest person.
BH: What subjects generally star the conflicts at this time of the year?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: When you try to accomplish at the end of the year what you didn’t manage to accomplish all year round, everything turns into a tensed demonstration. Quarrels over shopping, over the adornments and even over the pig sacrifice can occur. Usually the woman expresses her discontent and the husband is the one who, instead of comforting her abandons everything.
BH: How can a couple avoid the conflicts, if each of the two wants to spend the holidays with the parents and their families don’t get along?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Each of the two obviously comes from a different family culture and when these cultures meet, the waters are troubled. The young couples should spend the holidays as well as they can, with what they have, alone or with friends of the same age. The parents can be visited for a few minutes.The year-end balance is an emotional recall, which helps us correct the errors for the new year.
BH: What is the psychological role of the year-end balance?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: According to the linear theory people need net limits between the elements of their life, need clear shapes to understand. Maybe this is why they will also try to set conventional borders, marking lines, time limits. The recall ritual is highly spread, considering that people analyze in terms of memorable details, especially when they were accompanied by strong emotions. The more a detail from past year is worth being mentioned, the stronger the emotion around it was. I dare to say that the balance is, in psychological terms, an emotional recall.
BH: How beneficial for the psychic is this balance if we had a year with more failure than accomplishments? Does it really help us to correct the mistakes we made in the previous year?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: One of the simplest learning methods is attempt and error. We are talking here about errors, not mistakes. An error is an inefficient operation, while a mistake has social and emotional consequences. At the end of the year it is recommended to become aware of our own errors and forgive the mistakes of the others.
BH: What are the aspects we should take into account when we make a balance, to look at things from a positive perspective, irrespective of the results?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: One of the most useful techniques is the individual SWOT analysis. Taking into account the capacities, the weaknesses, the opportunities and the threats helps us use the experiences of the past year to give new chances to the new year.
BH: Who takes this balance more seriously: the women or the men?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: When it comes to balance, men are more analytical. They assess their own mistakes alone and do not accept other people to do it for them. As regards the women, they have holistic perceptions, they can generate general impressions, emotional by excellence.
Dr Cristian Andrei: In cultura romanilor sarbatorile sunt incarcate de eforturi, orgolii si tensiuni
Asteptate cu nerabdare tot anul, Craciunul si Revelionul raman cele mai iubite sarbatori, dar sunt in acelasi timp marcate si de multe tensiuni, in familie. Dorinta femeilor de a impodobi casa cat mai frumos, de a gati cat mai multe feluri de mancare si prajituri si de a pregati cadouri speciale pentru toti membrii familiei se loveste de lipsa timpului. Frustrate ca, in ciuda eforturilor extenuante pe care le-au depus, lucrurile nu ies niciodata conform planului initial, femeile isi descarca nemultumirile asupra partenerului, care cedeaza nervos si abandoneaza “campul de lupta.”
BH: Care sunt mecanismele psihologice care declanseaza conflictele in familie, in perioada Sarbatorilor, cand oamenii incearca sa para mai buni si mai veseli?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: In cultura romanilor, sarbatorile sunt incarcate de eforturi, orgolii si tensiuni. Romanii vor sa faca totul cu mana lor, vor sa iasa bine, pun patima in aceste sarbatori. Cel mai adesea nu le ajunge timpul, iar celelalte persoane vor ca un anumit detaliu sa fie altfel. Mai mult decat atat, frustrarea anului trecut poate sa fie suficient de mare incat dorinta de a se produce o schimbare se transforma cu usurinta intr-un repros la adresa celui mai apropiat.
BH: Ce subiecte declanseaza in general conflictele in aceasta perioada?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Cand incerci sa realizezi la sfarsitul anului ceea ce nu ai reusit tot anul, totul se transforma intr-o demonstratie tensionata. Pot fi intalnite certuri asupra cumparaturilor, asupra amenajarilor, chiar si asupra taierii porcului. De obicei, femeia isi exprima nemultumirea, iar sotul este cel care, in loc sa o impace, lasa totul balta.
BH: Cum poate evita un cuplu conflictele, in cazul in care fiecare isi doreste sa petreaca Sarbatorile cu parintii, iar familiile celor doi nu se inteleg?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Desigur, fiecare provine din alta cultura familiala, iar la confluenta dintre ele, apele sunt tulburi. Cel mai bine este ca tinerii sa-si faca sarbatorile cum se pricep mai bine, cu ce au, singuri sau cu prieteni de-o seama. In ce-i priveste pe parinti, acestia pot fi vizitati pret de cateva minute, simbolic. Bilantul la sfarsit de an este o retraire emotionala care ne ajuta sa corectam erorile in anul viitor.
BH: Care este rolul psihologic al bilantului la final de an?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Conform teoriei lineare, oamenii au nevoie de limite nete intre elementele din viata lor, au nevoie de contururi clare pentru a intelege. Poate de aceea vor incerca mereu sa stabileasca in mod conventional granite, linii de demarcare, limite temporale. Ritualul rememorarii este unul foarte raspandit, dat fiind faptul ca oamenii isi asimileaza trecutul sub forma unor detalii memorabile, mai ales cand acestea au fost insotite de emotii puternice.Cu cat un detaliu din anul trecut este mai demn de a fi mentionat, cu atat mai puternica a fost trairea emotionala din jurul lui. Indraznesc sa spun ca bilantul este, din punct de vedere psihologic, o retraire emotionala.
BH: Cat de benefic pentru psihic este acest bilant, in cazul in care am avut un an cu mai multe esecuri decat reusite? Ne ajuta cu adevarat sa corectam greselile pe care le-am facut in anul anterior?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Una dintre cele mai simple metode de invatare este aceea prin incercare si eroare.Vorbim aici de erori, nu de greseli. O eroare este o operatiune ineficienta, in timp ce o greseala are consecinte sociale si emotionale.La sfarsit de an este bine sa constientizam erorile proprii si sa iertam greselile celorlalti.
BH: Care sunt aspectele pe care trebuie se le avem in vedere atunci cand facem un bilant, pentru a privi lucrurile dintr-o perspectiva pozitiva, indiferent de rezultate?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Una dintre cele mai utile tehnici de evaluare este analiza SWOT individuala. A lua in consideratie capacitatile, slabiciunile, oportunitatile si amenintarile, te ajuta sa folosesti experienta anului trecut pentru a da sanse noi anului nou.
BH: Cine priveste acest bilant cu mai multa seriozitate? Femeile sau barbatii?
Dr. Cristian Andrei: Cand e vorba de bilant, barbatii sunt mai analitici. Ei isi evalueaza propriile erori singuri si nu accepta sa o faca altcineva pentru ei. In ceea ce le priveste pe femei, ele au perceptii holistice, pot genera o impresie generala, emotionala prin excelenta.
